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Friday, 19 December 2008

Guest Writer - Kyra Clark


God Loves Me, No Matter What
by Kyra Clark

I started crying harder than I have in months last night. I have always loved a good long cry. It’s a wonderful form of release for me. I would cry until I couldn’t cry anymore and the tears would dry up before my sobs would end. I would heave it out, letting go of all my false pretense and “Oh I’m okay” attitudes. I haven’t been able to have one of these 'all out gut wrenchers' in forever. All I could do was just bury it deep down to the point where I believed that if I released it all, I would explode into a million pieces. The reason for this constant suppression of grief was the loss of a job. But it wasn’t just the job loss that hurt. I lost my friends, parts of my identity and the use of now worthless information clouding my mind with figures, reports and self importance. The pain of this has been building for over 4 months.

I wasn’t actually dealing with any of the grief, I was just coating it all over with sickening sweet sugar. Until I couldn’t sugar coat any longer, my feelings quickly turned from “I can do it”, to “I can’t do anything." My ego turned against me and I was suddenly choosing self loathing and fear to my once overly confident attitudes. But this was a process. It was a continual choosing of fear instead of love. I didn’t know any of this, of course. I was far too close to the pain of it all. I was becoming more and more numb to the point of having no money, no prospects and no hope.

"Self forgiveness," people told me. That would be the key. I believed in that, however, I didn’t know how to get there. I tried different techniques that worked for me in the past: meditation, visualization and energetic releases. Nothing seemed to work. Having also developed a pretty nasty sinus issue, I couldn’t breathe, my ears popped when I swallowed and I just felt miserable for two weeks. My patience wearing thin, feeling horrible, and afraid of becoming dependent on anyone for anything, I was scared to death. I hit a wall. Finally, a beautiful and horrific wall that was all mine. I typed on my computer, “I have less than nothing.” It all hit me at once. I was ashamed, hurt, and fearful. I no longer believed in myself, and I didn’t feel beautiful, kind or lovable. I started to cry. My fiancĂ© stood there as I sat on the couch with my heart wrenched open for him to see. He didn’t try to comfort or fix me, he didn’t try to touch me or say it will all be okay. He just stood there. There were some points during my rant when I felt like I was the only one in the room, but he was still there. He wouldn’t leave me.

As I continued through my process of self discovery I fully allowed my experience to engulf me, to take me deeper and farther into whatever emotion came. I was finally allowing my feelings to come forward, and all the fear, pain and regret that I felt were forced to the surface to be released. My fiancĂ© held the key for me in those moments. His stillness, complete acceptance and love mirrored to me what God would do in this situation. I was soon calm and lying on the couch, him sitting close to me tenderly rubbing my arm or leg sweetly saying over and over, “God loves you, no matter what you do.” I realized that I wasn’t really looking to forgive myself, I was looking to know that I am still - no matter what - loved by God. I had shut myself off from that love and companionship while choosing fear and guilt. The more my love spoke the words “God loves you, no matter what you do,” I would feel intense pain in my chest and throat. He would say it again. The pain would begin again over and over until finally the pain and the tears stopped. I asked him to explain why the thought of God loving me would be so painful. He said that it was forcing the hurt to the surface to be wicked away and after a little while there wouldn’t be any pain left, only truth.

Today, my life was very different. I still suffered from the symptoms of the sinus issue, but I felt a little bit better. Still finding my sea legs of having a monumental release I looked at a day that had potential promise. I had set up an interview with a gentleman that was looking for a volunteer to be his Program Director. This would mean no pay, but I didn’t mind. I had to have something to take my mind off of my pain. He liked me and I gave him lots of new ideas to help his organization. My confidence was up, so I stopped by my old office to see some friends. My old boss said that business was booming and would like me to come back? The pay is inconsistent and the work is repetitious which is why I left in the first place, but it was in fact, money. I was willing to receive that which the universe was providing and the environment is extremely healthy. I also called another company I applied to, leaving a message returning their call. Then it happened - the brass ring - something I had been waiting on for months. I was called back for an interview for the company I really wanted to work for. My life shifted within hours of having this release and realizing that no matter what, God loves me. It became clear then. If I was loved by God, then I had no choice but to love myself, and in loving myself, I forgave myself, at the deepest level possible.

c2008 Kyra Clark
Soul Solutions Healing Group

5 comments:

ANDY & MEL LOWE said...

wonderful thank you so much for sharing this

andy the daft hermit

Julieanne said...

Hi Andy

You're welcome, glad you enjoyed it!

Merry Christmas to you and to Mel! It looks gorgeous where you are at the moment.

Love to you both

Julieanne

Geri said...

I got laid off and went back to school, and it was really difficult at first to not have a job. I missed my friends at work, and I totally identified with having a position. It was terrible when people asked, "What do you do?" Things eventually worked out for me, and it sounds like they have worked out for you too!

Expect Change said...

Kyra, thank you for sharing your amazing journey of release from fear.

Julieanne said...

Hi Geri and Expect Change

Thanks for visiting! hope to see you again soon :)

Julieanne

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